Witch Weekly's Most Eligible Bachelor
by Canimal
Summary: Glamorous parties, beautiful women, fancy designer robes, ... Being named Witch Weekly’s Most Eligible Bachelor sounds like every wizard’s greatest dream... except to Neville Longbottom.  All he wants is a quiet life with a good wife.


Chapter One:

Sure, being named _Witch Weekly's_ Most Eligible Bachelor _sounds _like every wizard's greatest dream. Getting a table at any fine restaurant in Hogsmeade or Diagon Alley without a reservation is possible no matter how busy the establishment is. Invitations to every high society ball, party or premiere are daily dropped off by glittery, fancy owls. His presence is standard… and expected at every event where any of the crème de la crème of society has gathered. The finest designer robe makers throughout the wizarding world are anxious to dress him for free in the hopes that their creations will be splashed across newspapers, magazines and on the red carpet. The free gifts given to the bachelor by wizarding companies looking to find their newest spokeswizard are extravagant and plentiful enough to make even King Midas blush. The perks and pampering afforded to the single wizard bearing this title should have been enough to make anyone happy. Every single (and even a few married) witch dreamed of taking this bachelor off the market. Every wizard dreamed of being this lucky chosen one…

Every wizard except for one… Neville Longbottom. It was a shame that he had had the misfortune (his words, of course) of being _Witch Weekly's_ Most Eligible Bachelor for the past _ten_ years in a row. He had been immortalized for his part in the destruction of Lord Voldemort so many years earlier. His rallying of the troops fashioning themselves "Dumbledore's Army" during the tumultuous reign of the Carrow siblings at Hogwarts had given him hero status even during his last year. The way he had continuously stood up to the Death Eaters installed in the school had made him admired even amongst his schoolmates who had never known he existed before. His very public destruction of Lord Voldemort's pet snake and horcrux had already become epic. As one by one, Harry Potter, Viktor Krum, Ron Weasley and finally George Weasley married, Neville became the most sought after bachelor in Wizarding Britain.

It was enough to drive a wizard crazy. At first, it had been flattering. The attention had both embarrassed and exhilarated the young man. For years he had lived in the shadows of his father and close friend Harry Potter. It was a nice change of pace to have positive publicity. He remembered all too well what it had been like during his first few years of school when tales of the latest cauldron he had blown up in potions class spread throughout the castle. Even twenty years after his death, Neville still shivered at the thought of the cool way that Professor Severus Snape had ridiculed him in class.

He would never forget the day that the first issue with his face on the cover hit newsstands. His Gran seemed prouder of the superficial title bestowed on him by her fellow readers than she was of his part in the destruction of the most evil and powerful dark wizard the world had ever known! She proudly framed the issue, giving it a prominent place of honor in her home. For months after the publication she quoted the accompanying article to friends, acquaintances, complete strangers.

"'With his immense talents and influential familial connections, Mr. Longbottom could have written his own ticket straight into a high post within the Ministry of Magic. His love for Herbology, however, has encouraged him to write numerous scholarly books at such a young age. He will be replacing the beloved Professor Pomona Sprout as the newest member of the Hogwarts staff this coming fall. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that this talented wizard will one day lead the school as Headmaster.'

"Headmaster! My grandson!" Never had the formidable Augusta Longbottom been prouder.

Yes, Neville Longbottom's life had changed dramatically since he was crowned. What had once been exhilarating became embarrassing. What had once been interesting had now become irksome. His friends who had previously been so eligible had warned him. He had known for the past ten years exactly what they meant. Privacy was a luxury that the Most Eligible Bachelor could not afford. Everywhere he went he was recognized. Annoying paparazzi akin to Rita Skeeter followed him wherever he went. Even Muggle London was not a haven. Everyone wanted to know the intimate details of his personal life. Who was he dating? Simply being seated next to Neville at a public function or having a friendly discussion with him over a barrel of pickled salamander eye's at the apothecary shop could lead to some poor witch having her face plastered in the latest edition of the _Quibbler_. Because of that, ironically, his love life had suffered. It is difficult to maintain a genuine relationship when so many fortune and fame seekers were out there.

He had naively thought that moving to Hogwarts as the Herbology professor would allow him some form of privacy. How can anyone understand how embarrassing it was to confiscate a magazine from a giggly teenage girl not paying attention during class to find their smiling picture looking back at them? Not since the days of Gilderoy Lockhart as Defense Against the Dark Arts professor had another been forced to withstand so many crushes from their own students. Girls eager to spend more time with their teacher often created disturbances in his class for the sole purpose of finding themselves in detention with him. Thankfully, Headmistress McGonagall had been able to put a stop to this. Students earning detention in Herbology were assigned punishments with Argus Filch. It was hard enough getting teenagers to be interested in his subject and to pay attention in his class without having to worry about giggly girls and their crushes.

Neville had once been excited about all of the beautiful women who showed an interest in him. Those days were long gone. If he had to sit through a dinner with one more boring, gold-digging attention-seeking moron he thought he would scream. He could not remember the last time he had had an intelligent conversation with a woman under forty and single. If it had not been for his close female friends from school, he would have been inclined to write off the entire sex as disingenuous and pathetic. But then again… they were all married. Ginny Potter and Hermione Weasley were famous in their own right, in spite of their famous husbands. Fellow Gryffindor Lavender Brown had gone on to marry her own influential husband who worked in the Ministry. She was the one person (besides his gran) whom he could count on to lecture him for his seemingly perpetual singledom. Even "Loony" Luna Lovegood was married to the favorite grandson of the wandmaker Ollivander.

What damage could the meddlesome Rita Skeeter do to his playboy reputation if she discovered that the only truly genuine romantic relationship he had had with the opposite sex was the all-too-brief courtship with Parvati Patel in their final year at Hogwarts? Inexperienced fumblings in dusty broom cupboards while hiding from Alecto Carrow were hardly worth noting. They believed they were living in their final days… the last days of the world they had been born into. Emotions were high in those days. Everyone knew that that moment could be their last. Battlefield romances were very rarely authentic or lasting once the war was over. Neville still thought wistfully of those too few moments he had had with Parvati, but even she had long ago gotten married. In fact, he was one of the very last of his year to remain single…

And if it was the last thing she ever did, Augusta Longbottom was going to be sure that her grandson was married off to a suitable witch. She had long ago ceased to be proud of him for being the Most Eligible bachelor. Her desire for great-grandbabies had surpassed her desire for him to be so sought after. She was determined to do all in her power to get Neville to assume his 'responsibilities as an adult wizard and produce heirs to the proud Longbottom name'. Never had there been a more arduous matchmaker. It was his grandmother, indeed, that had put Neville into such a foul mood as he sauntered through the bustling Diagon Alley.

_Dinner will be served promptly at eight. Dress sharp!_

_Gran_

The terse note written on his grandmother's embossed parchment was as noticeable to Neville in his robe pocket as if it had been made of lead. There was no doubt what such a missive actually meant. His grandmother had found yet another unmarried witch from a prominent, and no doubt, ancient wizarding family she was anxious to introduce her only grandson to. He had been in this situation a hundred times before (or so it felt).

He was determined, however, to put the dinner that evening as far from his mind as possible. There were three entire hours to go before he absolutely had to face the horror of yet another of his grandmother's social gatherings. (Attendance was, of course, mandatory. Even as a mature wizard at the ripe age of 39, Neville continued to fear his Gran.) These dinners were yet another evil he had to endure. At least he had some perspective when Headmistress Minerva McGonagall droned on and one at staff meetings. He could always think to himself, "Better here than being set up by Gran!"

Diagon Alley was bursting with life that late afternoon. The start of term at Hogwarts was less than two weeks away. Everyone with school-age children was anxious to get them outfitted and supplied for the new year. The August heat and the additional body warmth of his fellow shoppers only served to heighten Neville's enjoyment of the experience. Too soon it would be another harsh, cold winter in the greenhouses.

"Ahh, welcome, Professor Longbottom!" greeted an enthusiastic George Weasley attired in the most vibrant orange robes Neville had ever seen. "Might I interest you in our wide selection of Skiving Snackboxes? Perfect for those mornings when you have no desire to cross the snowy grounds or for the nights you'd prefer one of Rosmerta's Fire whiskeys to patrolling the castle?"

No sooner had the professor entered the recently expanded _Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes_ than he was pounced on by his old housemate. Boxes of the all-too-familiar creations of the infamous Weasley twins instantly zoomed across the heads of the shop patrons to float in the air in front of him. Neville learned long ago to never accept any form of beverage or treat from either one of the twins.

"Thank you, George," he laughed, "But that's not what I am here for today."

"Of course it's not." A serious faced Percy Weasley pushed aside his younger brother. "Professor Longbottom is, no doubt, here to get a better understanding of our new products… the very products he might expect to find inside his classroom."

If someone had told Neville twenty years earlier that there would come a day when the prim Percy Weasley would give up his Ministry post to run a joke shop with his brother George, he would have laughed in their face. It did not seem possible. After the tragic death of Fred Weasley during the last battle with Lord Voldemort, Percy fell into a dangerous depression that many of his loved ones feared would be the death of him. Fred's death had naturally hit George extremely hard… but it was to everyone's surprise that he managed to bounce back from it faster and a great deal better than Percy did. George asked his older brother to help him run the business a few years later. His excuse was that he needed Percy to help him with the accounting and legal issues surrounding the shop, but Percy was the only who was fooled. Everyone else knew that Percy needed the shop a lot more than the shop needed Percy.

"Yes, actually, Percy is right," Neville replied. "Last term I was surprised by some of your newer products. I'd like to be better informed this year."

The truth was that the joke shop, which had become a multimillion galleon corporation years earlier, was one of the few places that Neville could feel like an innocent kid again. His childhood had been cut short by tragic circumstances and responsibilities thrust upon him at an early age. Amongst the aisles of fake wands and pygmy puffs, the professor could almost believe he was once again thirteen and entering Zonko's on his first Hogsmeade visit. With a knowing grin to George, Neville allowed himself to be escorted through the store by an informative Percy stopping every few feet to describe a new creation. The products were indeed impressive. Fred would have been proud to see what had become of his and his twin brother's business. Percy had more than proven himself adept at the science of making his brothers' products, and even contributed his own brand of expertise for the more serious line of products they produced.

"And as you see, this particular item…" Percy began to explain.

"Neville!"

His words were drowned out by the exuberant greeting of a rather weary-looking Ginny Potter. Her arms were full of packages sure to contain the robes and spellbooks of her own children.

"I was just telling Harry yesterday that I was hoping to get to see you before term started." She thrust her packages into the unsuspecting arms of her third oldest brother before enveloping Neville into a fierce hug. He felt himself tense up at the contact. She had hugged him a thousand times before, but he could never forget the embarrassing crush he had had on her almost 25 years before. He relaxed into the embrace just in time to see his famous friend Harry Potter turn the corner, dragging his eldest by the scruff of his collar.

"I can't take you anywhere!" Harry sighed as he pushed James towards his wife. "If I haven't told you a hundred times, then I know your mum has. No fireworks!"

Harry looked up to see his school chum's arms casually around his wife.

"Hey, hey! _Witch Weekly's_ Most Eligible Bachelor, get your mitts off of my wife! Find your own!"

Harry promised Neville ten years earlier that he wouldn't cease teasing his friend about his title as long as he had it. So far, he had not gone back on his word. Ginny released Neville and playfully swatted Harry on the arm. The famed 'Chosen One' patted him on the back and laughed.

"Harry and I were just about to take the children to the Leaky Cauldron for a bite to eat," Ginny said. "We'd all love it if you could join us, Neville."

"I'd love to, but…" he began.

"Aww, but you've already made plans," she answered for him. "Of course you have."

She gave him a teasing smile.

"You've gotten so famous it's hard for us 'ordinary folks' to get to see you." She winked at him, making him blush fiercely. "No doubt you have some glamorous party to attend with the Minister's gorgeous daughter on your arm."

It was amusing that Ginny always chose to taunt Neville for his full social calendar. As the renowned Potters, she and her husband were invited to every engagement he was invited to plus several more he wasn't. They enjoyed a quiet life with their families but were featured in the _Daily Prophet_ and the tabloids more often than he was.

"If only it was something that exciting," Neville replied. "Just another dinner with Gran, I'm afraid."

Ginny groaned.

"_Another_ set-up? I'll say one thing for Augusta, she is tenacious."

Harry put his arm around Neville and leaned in to say in little above a whisper…

"There's a new transfer in my office. Straight from the Spanish Ministry. Paloma Melisendez…"

Ginny rolled her eyes and turned towards her youngest son Albus. His arms, like his elder brother's had been earlier, were filled to capacity with his uncles' famous fireworks.

"Put those back immediately, Al!" She warned him.

While her back was turned, Harry chose the moment to use his hands in front of his chest to wordlessly describe the enormous … _talents_ Ms. Melisendez had brought to the Auror office.

"Harry Potter!" Ginny turned around to scowl at her husband.

He sheepishly dropped his hands to his side.

"The kids are right," he said to Neville. "She _does_ have eyes in the back of her head."

"Neville does _not_ need your help finding a woman, Harry James Potter," Ginny said tersely. "He'll find the perfect one in his own time. Besides… with the exception of yours truly, I don't exactly trust your taste in women."

Neville had to laugh at the scowl Mrs. Potter was fixing on her husband. She was probably never going to forget their years in school when Harry chased after Cho Chang.

"We should be going. It was wonderful to see you, Neville. Hermione and Ron will be sorry they missed you," Ginny said as she took her packages out of Percy's arms. "Oh, and be sure you have Percy show you Aisle 17. If _half_ of those products don't end up on Filch's List of Banned Items this term, I'll give you _all_ of Harry's Quidditch memorabilia."

He chuckled at the affronted look Harry had on his face as the Potter clan walked towards the front of the store. Percy continued his tour of the newest products, including Aisle 17, but Neville was not really paying attention. His mind was elsewhere… dreading the dinner that was to come.

"Thank you, Percy. That was most enlightening," he said as he shook the most serious of all of the Weasleys hand. "But I have several more errands to run."

"Of course."

Neville exited the crowded shop into the even more crowded Alley. His grandmother's words rang in his head, "Dress sharp!" Sighing heavily to himself, he crossed the street to Madam Malkin's Robes for All Occasions.

* * *

**_A/N: Welcome back to all of my faithful readers and Hello! to my new ones! I've wanted to write a story about Neville for years and after finishing the 7_****_th_****_ book, there was now no excuse not to. I hope you enjoyed the first chapter. The chapters will be shorter than what the chapters in my previous stories have been, but maybe this will help me to get them out sooner. Let me know what you thought of my first attempt! - Lila_**


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